Expect The Spanish Inquisition

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Many of the elected imbeciles in the Montana Legislature have taken to playing martyr in the hopes that acting like they are dying on the cross will be enough to erase the egregious sinning they’ve accomplished over the remainder of their rather boring and completely uninteresting lives. Representative Carl Glimm is taking the lead on this, as he is quite sure that members of the LGBT community, by the disaster of their very existence, have undermined his ability to please his god, and therefore needs the full-force of a new state law to help him praise his allah.

Whilst it may seem odd to mix god and allah, the truth is, Glimm could easily be a devotee of Zeus or even Andromeda, Jupiter, Buddha, or any other of the innumerable deities that mankind has managed to worship, with varying degrees of bloodshed and hate, since we first walked upright. We just don’t care which god Glimm bows his head to, it doesn’t matter to us.

However, it seems that it matters to him which god we choose to uphold, and heaven forbid we choose no god and instead just choose to uphold good ethics and morals, two traits that seem to have completely been missed by the members of the TEA Party, as that would make their heads combust with an explosion not even seen before or behind the cameras at Top Gear.

Glimm’s glum outlook is that he’s not able to express his religion in a way that satisfies his god. To be clear, Glimm’s god hates fags. One is wryly amused that someone would act in a way consistent with the Westboro Baptist Cabal, but one also knows that if asked, Glimm would puff up like a pheasant and proclaim that he’s not “one of those”, whatever his actions.

The truth is, Glimm originates from a part of the state saturated with white supremacists and neo-nazis who’ve managed, on a rather regular basis, to bring disgrace and shame on the state they purport to love. Gaze into Glimm’s arian features and his disingenuous smile, and it’s easy to see that it might not all be on the up-and-up with this man.

But after reading the text of HB615, it’s painfully obvious that not only are they trying to instill Christian supremacy as the law of the land, they are doing it in such a way that will allow for any deeply held belief to qualify as a tool to ignore the law. And just a few laws, any law. Unthinkable it may seem to have a church with a competition in the name of their god that is fought to the death of one of the participants, that’s exactly the sort of thing this law would allow.

Put simply, this law is the text of the end times that these religious morons are prattling on about all the time. The first time one of them feels that the only way to please their god is to put a bullet into the head of someone LGBT, we’ll have to face the fact that we let the mads run the statehouse, and we have no one to blame but ourselves.

It’s more than enough to make us drink. We suggest a Montana take on the Spanish Inquisition:

  • 2 oz. High Ore Vodka
  • 3/4 oz. Lime
  • 3/4 oz. pomegranate liqueur
  • 2 dashes Fee Brothers Old Fashioned Aromatic bitters
  • Fever Tree Club Soda
  • smoked sea salt and cracked black pepper

Jigger all but soda into mixing glass. Hard shake. Double strain into Collins glass rimmed with smoked sea salt and cracked black pepper with fresh ice and top with Fever Tree Club Soda.

—E.C. Bourbon

Slaughtered Amendments

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When watching this week’s GOP tirade against the poor, one is almost comforted by the fact that eventually even these hard-line monstrosities will one day need help, and small comfort that they won’t be ignored by decent people and shall, at the very least, receive some. Although one does wonder if the un-Ballanced and Wit-less-tichs of the Montana Legislature would even know to ask for help. We aren’t accusing them of being self-aware enough to realize their own hypocrisy; we honestly believe they might be completely allergic to the idea of helping anyone for less than piles of cash, even if that someone were themselves.

For nearly sixteen hours, over two days, of disheartening House floor session, nearly one hundred amendments to the budget were offered up by the House Democrats. Their attempt to restore a truly balanced budget, one that actually used our taxes in the service of all Montanans, is to be applauded. Sisyphean though it ultimately proved, as every single amendment was voted down along party lines, the Democrats at least fought.

The Republican majority finds itself lost at sea, with about as much control over their actual direction as an iceberg. Floundering would be immeasurably preferred to this unguided mob of incendiaries. It has gone so wrong that someone today referred to Nancy Ballance as “Montana’s Iron Lady”, which we would agree is ideal if she’d been left out in the winter to rust. Sadly, she and her cohorts have just decided that running this jewel of a state into the ground, or perhaps letting burn to the ground, is preferable to having actual people living here.

It’s the only possible explanation for their actions. Whilst anchored in Helena this week, we’ve decided to take up residence at, newly opened, The Hawthorn Bottle Shop & Tasting Room, for several glasses of delicious red wine. After all, if we must see this much red in our day, some of it should be pleasing.

—E.C. Bourbon

Medicaid Expansion Drinking Game

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Today found the members of the House Health & Human Services committee finally decided to hear testimony on HB249, the Healthy Montana bill. Before starting, the committee chair was completely confounded by the electronic controls that would allow him to limit testimony to three minutes or less. As his befuddlement continued to the point of pain, the rest of the committee either rolled their eyes or prayed for a miracle that would give him guidance to the timing switch.

That miracle did not happen. Most miracles don’t, as you know.

An inauspicious start to the hearing is almost expected, given the staggering amount of idiocy and animosity that has, so far, prevailed over this discussion. It will be interesting to see what the opponents come up with this time. Our drinking game with the following rules:

  • Paperwork – 1 shot
  • Death Panel – 2 shots
  • Substandard care – 1 shot
  • Obamacare – 3 shots
  • Too Expensive – 1 shot

We could easily add in so many more but our livers, while nearly super-human in ability, may have limits even if we’ve never managed to reach them before. We feel we might tonight.

We’ll be drinking a fine Whistling Andy Four Grain Bourbon, neat. Join us, won’t you?

—E.C. Bourbon

Raise a Toast to Civility

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As transmittal rests its gentle head against the rolling mountainside that is Helena, we are once again blessed with a calm, a whisper, a breath of fresh air.

Yet a whiff of the stench from the legislature remains and when you catch wind of it, your gag reflex does its very best impression of ceremonial cannon. Always fun.

However today we get to celebrate, not only the absence which makes the heart grow fonder of the foolishness that imbues the Capitol, but also because a bill to catch Montana up to the other forty-nine states has managed to get through the killing fields known as the House. That House Bill 284 has finally been transmitted is a massive achievement, one that we simply must celebrate.

Representative Kimberly Dudik has skillfully navigated through the major gauntlet of the House Education committee, which, need I remind you, is headed by someone with a degree from an institution of higher learning that teaches, and yes, I’m serious, resurrection of the dead. You cannot make up this level of madness.

Then, with the very welcome support of many democrats and several right-thinking republicans, the bill, which I would point out has had its attempts at passing in each of the last eight legislative sessions,finally made it through the full House, with a vote of 75 to 25.

The votes against this bill were by the following, all of whom are in desperate need of a mental health check by their home counties. As most of these are also the fools fighting against expanding Medicaid, one would guess that they are ready and willing to pay the expense of that check and not access their own government funded healthcare. (One shouldn’t hold one’s breath, however.)

  • Ballance, Nancy
  • Bennett, Gerald (Jerry)
  • Berglee, Seth
  • Berry, Tom
  • Brodehl, Randy
  • Brown, Bob
  • Burnett, Tom
  • Cuffe, Mike
  • Doane, Alan
  • Glimm, Carl
  • Hess, Stephanie
  • Miller, Mike
  • Moore, David (Doc)
  • Mortensen, Dale
  • Noland, Mark
  • Olszewski, Albert
  • Osmundson, Ryan
  • Pinocci, Randall
  • Regier, Keith
  • Schwaderer, Nicholas
  • Tschida, Brad
  • Wagoner, Kirk
  • White, Kerry
  • Wittich, Art
  • Zolnikov, Daniel

Yet, it’s a win, and hopefully the Senate holds its own crazy in-check and manages to just pass this bill without turning into a magnificent pile of Montana’s finest manure.

To celebrate, we raise a toast, today with a French 75 with Montana’s own Whyte Laydie Gin for good measure. One could certainly do worse, as evidenced by the legislative votes above. Cheers.

—E.C. Bourbon