Expect The Spanish Inquisition


Many of the elected imbeciles in the Montana Legislature have taken to playing martyr in the hopes that acting like they are dying on the cross will be enough to erase the egregious sinning they’ve accomplished over the remainder of their rather boring and completely uninteresting lives. Representative Carl Glimm is taking the lead on this, as he is quite sure that members of the LGBT community, by the disaster of their very existence, have undermined his ability to please his god, and therefore needs the full-force of a new state law to help him praise his allah.

Whilst it may seem odd to mix god and allah, the truth is, Glimm could easily be a devotee of Zeus or even Andromeda, Jupiter, Buddha, or any other of the innumerable deities that mankind has managed to worship, with varying degrees of bloodshed and hate, since we first walked upright. We just don’t care which god Glimm bows his head to, it doesn’t matter to us.

However, it seems that it matters to him which god we choose to uphold, and heaven forbid we choose no god and instead just choose to uphold good ethics and morals, two traits that seem to have completely been missed by the members of the TEA Party, as that would make their heads combust with an explosion not even seen before or behind the cameras at Top Gear.

Glimm’s glum outlook is that he’s not able to express his religion in a way that satisfies his god. To be clear, Glimm’s god hates fags. One is wryly amused that someone would act in a way consistent with the Westboro Baptist Cabal, but one also knows that if asked, Glimm would puff up like a pheasant and proclaim that he’s not “one of those”, whatever his actions.

The truth is, Glimm originates from a part of the state saturated with white supremacists and neo-nazis who’ve managed, on a rather regular basis, to bring disgrace and shame on the state they purport to love. Gaze into Glimm’s arian features and his disingenuous smile, and it’s easy to see that it might not all be on the up-and-up with this man.

But after reading the text of HB615, it’s painfully obvious that not only are they trying to instill Christian supremacy as the law of the land, they are doing it in such a way that will allow for any deeply held belief to qualify as a tool to ignore the law. And just a few laws, any law. Unthinkable it may seem to have a church with a competition in the name of their god that is fought to the death of one of the participants, that’s exactly the sort of thing this law would allow.

Put simply, this law is the text of the end times that these religious morons are prattling on about all the time. The first time one of them feels that the only way to please their god is to put a bullet into the head of someone LGBT, we’ll have to face the fact that we let the mads run the statehouse, and we have no one to blame but ourselves.

It’s more than enough to make us drink. We suggest a Montana take on the Spanish Inquisition:

  • 2 oz. High Ore Vodka
  • 3/4 oz. Lime
  • 3/4 oz. pomegranate liqueur
  • 2 dashes Fee Brothers Old Fashioned Aromatic bitters
  • Fever Tree Club Soda
  • smoked sea salt and cracked black pepper

Jigger all but soda into mixing glass. Hard shake. Double strain into Collins glass rimmed with smoked sea salt and cracked black pepper with fresh ice and top with Fever Tree Club Soda.

—E.C. Bourbon